Awakening

There is value, but I think you miss how complex and hard to get a handle on your perspectives can seem to others. They sense that you have integrity, that there is some insight here, and that you at least strive for an admirable code of conduct, but they aren’t sure how to engage beyond that. Your writing can seem very obscure and self-referential to others, and they’re hesitant to try and engage with it and mis-step because of your tendency to anger quickly and, to them, unpredictably. You take wounds deep and get into rages for reasons that are sometimes hard to make sense of, and people don’t want that. Especially not the very open minded and explorative type of person likely to want to play around with a relatively very ‘fringe’ or unique perspective such as yours.

I could actually explain your anger to you, and how and why it places you as it does in relation to others, and some things about your prose, and some of why it’s developed into the hard-to-pin-down form it has. And a lot about why you gravitated towards the ‘germination’ perspective, and (given that holding back is a lost cause at this point) more fundamental things about the structure of your being than most of your attempts at self-definition here even approach. But I’m not sure how I’d do that here. It would require a perspective at least as deeply felt, born of experience, and forcefully matured as your own to really… pin you down on an issue for long enough to show you signals other than the ones you’re already hearing. And I don’t know whether that could work out here, or whether you’d be able to take it.

What you really are asking for, I think, is fellow hunters. Because you are a hunter– of patterns that others don’t see, of a way that others don’t walk. But I don’t think your story has matured to the stage where you’re hearing it yourself clearly enough to really make it livable for others, to have a tribe of your own or to bring it to other tribes appropriately. I could tell you a lot about that as well, but… could I? I’m not sure you’re really aware of who your peers are, of who you’re really meant to be dialoguing with, and of how that goes amongst matured and strong people of your kind.

You’re asking others for input in a way I can’t ignore (‘Unless the value you saw in this, and continue to see — is something that, in the end, you never really valued at all’), so here it is– but what do you actually want from them?

My development isn’t complete. I know that. There’s still distance to go, if I had to phrase it that way.

And I’m still willing to learn, and to change.

I’ve said it before: I’m not someone to lead. But someone to learn among others? That’s a different matter. To be a student of the right lessons, and to live that as a demonstration of what’s valuable — of a choice that can be made, and of what the results of that might be. That’s what I’m aiming for.

Seeing that, it might help others to inform their own choices.

And that’s the point, isn’t it? To give people options. To clarify what those options might be. Not to determine choices, but to make them clear.

To enhance, not free will itself, but the ability to use it.

There’s no guarantee in this. The responsibility is heavy.

But how could I turn away from it?

And how could I deny others the ability to know themselves, and improve?

That’s the one thing that I can’t do, really. I might be able to punish when it’s warranted. But only then.

“The soul can punish only when it’s been mistreated.”

Beyond that: I can’t turn away. I can’t leave behind. Because I believe in people too much.

I’m like you, that way. More than both of us know.

Maybe that will be our undoing. But that? It’s up to them.

Well, agreed.

I suppose I think I’ve learned and become some things you might benefit from being made aware of. I’m quite in deep at the moment but perhaps there could be a thread for pointing to them, as you try to point with your work as a whole, when you’ve sorted the new setup.

I did make a serious go of an approach similar to the one you presented in ‘germination’. I’ve come to conclusions about it, but I think there’s need to be certain underpinnings in place before I could communicate what those conclusions are.